Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I have to get this off my chest...

This week I am tired. I am worried. I am sad. i am mad. I am scared. I am worried. I am worried that they wont find out soon what is wrong with Paul. Why does every joint in his body hurt with excruciating pain with even the slightest movement. How much more pain can he withstand yet still hoist his aching body out of bed each morning and struggle to work. How can this happen to a person simply because he broke his finger. Why is his hand so swollen two months after he broke his finger. Why does it take three weeks to get an appointment with a rheumatologist. If something is seriously wrong, what if waiting is just making it worse. I am tired because he cries out in pain in his sleep with every movement all night long and wakes me up.
I am sad and I am worried. Why does Justin now have a tumor on his spine when we’ve had such good news with the chemotherapy shrinking his other tumors. Why can’t we ever have some positive news with his progress without it being quickly followed by some kind of disappointing setback. Why does he live 3000 miles away.
Why is work so crazy this week when I just want to coast through the day.
Why wont Nick talk to me still after all this time. Why did this rift happen between us. Why doesn’t he know that I would never hurt his feelings on purpose. Why cant he forgive me this one mistake over a year and a half ago. Why does this argument wash out all the good things that ever happened. Why cant I quit worrying about it and be mad at him instead.
Is there some lesson to be learned from it all. i want it all to mean something. what am i supposed to learn from it?
I’m usually the queen of optimism. I always see the glass half full. I really am a happy, go with the flow, its all for a reason and it will always work out for the best kind of person. I love my family. I have an amazing husband. I have a great job. I have awesome friends. I have a nice house. I have lots of interests and hobbies that fulfill me.
I usually don’t allow myself to wallow in all this sadness and worry…well, maybe the worry part. I worry a little. Okay, a lot. I am a worrier to the core. I worry about everything.
I feel everything way too deeply. I’ve always been emotional. I admit that I am a crybaby.
I’m pretty good about not allowing anyone else to see that I’m worried, covering it up, letting it pass, blocking it out, getting over it at least for a few days here and there. Mostly I’m just quiet when Im worried. I hide out inside myself. But this is all getting to be too much; it’s getting out of hand and its BIG stuff. It’s hard to let it not wash over me and gobble me up. That usually happens when I’m trying to fall asleep at night and my mind wont shut it off and there’s nothing to distract me from it.
Most of the time I deal with it though my scrapbooking. It’s the one thing that I can do that makes me feel like I’m releasing the pressure. If I do a page on Paul that says how much I adore him and what a great husband he is, will it make him feel better when he sees it. Maybe.
If I document Nicks favorite teddy bear when he was in kindergarten, will he know that I was a good Mom and know how much I love him. No.
If I scrapbook about some of the funny things Justin use to say when he was growing up and what a good husband and father I think he turned out to be will it make him not have cancer? No.
But it makes me feel better that I’ve documented something for my family. I’ve put down my feelings in my journaling. I’ve told them that I love them. I photographed the pieces of our lives and saved it for another day. Sometimes its all I can do and Im so thankful for this hobby.

Sorry for such a downer post. I promise to return to happy posts soon.
I just had to get this off my chest. :)

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