Thursday, September 01, 2005
I've hesitated to post this post. By posting it, I know it would become real.
On Tuesday of this week the Drs discontinued Justins treatments and set him up with hospice. They said the damage to his immune system by continuing Chemo would probably do more harm than any good that the Chemo would do. We had planned to go to NC on Oct 3rd but Natalie said we needed to come sooner than that.
We now leave on Sat 9/10 to spend a week with him. One week. Seven Days. Two of those days will be spent traveling. That only leaves Five days to tell him everything I want to tell him. At this point Im having a really hard time even trying to think of what I want to tell him much less to open my mouth, face to face and tell him how much I love him, how proud I am of the man he grew up to be what a wonderful father he became.
I am numb. I really want to be strong and Im trying my best but I suck at it.
How Paul and I get up and go to work every morning, I don't know. It's so hard to continue a normal life although I know those daily routines are what gets me through each day. Otherwise I think I would prefer to just curl up in a little ball and stay there.
Luckily I work with some amazing people who seem to know when to grab me and take me away from my desk and go outside for a walk. By the time I get home Im a zombie. Paul looks as bad as I do.
I don't want to break down in front of him so I need find some strength.
Please do whatever you believe in. Prayer, meditation, good thoughts....
at 7:19 PM